Ellen Schwartz & Friends

HER WORDS, HER MUSIC, AND HER COLLABORATORS

The BMI Foundation Ellen Schwartz Award
For Outstanding Literary Merit In Lyric Writing


Ellen’s family has established an award to be presented by the BMI Foundation each year to a participant in BMI’s Lehman Engel Musical Theatre Workshop, honoring outstanding literary merit in lyric writing.

This Ellen Schwartz award is intended both to recognize the contribution that Ellen’s years of participation in the Workshop made to her own career, and to encourage high literary standards in lyric writing – like those Ellen’s own lyrics consistently reflected.

The Ellen Schwartz award will be announced by the BMI Foundation at the annual awards reception during the final session of the Workshop each year.

www.bmifoundation.org


Fourth Award Recipient: PHOEBE KREUTZ - June 2018

Please visit her website www.therealphoebekreutz.com


"ELISHA'S PRAYER"
From the musical "Holy Crap: The Worst Parts of the Bible"
Lyrics by Phoebe Kreutz
Music by Daniel Israel

When some disrespectful children harass the prophet Elisha, he makes an unusual request. 

 

ELISHA
GOD, I HOPE THAT YOU CAN HEAR ME PRAYING
I KNOW YOU'VE GOT MANY PROBLEMS WEIGHING
BUT PERHAPS YOU NOTICED WHILE SURVEYING... 

THAT ON THE ROAD FROM BETHEL
JUST TWENTY MINUTES BACK
I SUFFERED FROM SOME SNOT-NOSED KIDS
A PERSONAL ATTACK
ALONG THE ROAD THEY FOLLOWED
AND THROUGH THE TREES THEY CALLED
"HEY, MISTER! MISTER PROPHET!
HEY, BALDY! GUY WHO'S BALD!" 
NOW I'M A SIMPLE FELLOW AND I CAN TAKE A TAUNT
BUT NOW I'VE GOT ONE TINY THING I WANT

SO
GOD
PLEASE

I WANT THEM CRUSHED
I WANT THEM BLEEDING
THEM AND THEIR PRECIOUS HAIR
I WANT THEM LOW,
HUMBLED AND PLEADING
MAULED BY AN ANGRY BEAR

SEND DOWN ONE BEAR
THREE WOULD BE AMPLE
TWO BEARS WOULD GET IT DONE
KIDS NEED RESPECT
SET AN EXAMPLE:
HERE'S WHAT THEY GET FROM MAKING FUN.
THERE'S NOTHING FUN
THERE'S NOTHING FUN ABOUT A BLOODBATH
YOU KNOW YOU LOVE A BLOODBATH
LETS SHOW THOSE LITTLE BRATS WHAT YOU CAN DO
THEY'RE CHILDREN.
WHO REALLY MISSES CHILDREN?
A SMALL REWARD FOR ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU

I'VE BEEN YOUR MAN
I'VE BEEN YOUR PROPHET
NO GREATER JOY HAVE I
I HAVE A HEAD
MY HAIR FELL OFF IT
I NEVER ASKED YOU WHY...

YOU LEFT ME NAKED AS A PEAR
WITHOUT A FOLICLE TO SPARE
YOU LET THE CHILDREN POINT AND STARE
I TELL YOU, GOD, IT ISN'T FAIR
SO WHY NOT GRANT MY MODEST PRAYER
AND SEND ME DOWN ONE LOUSY BEAR
MAYBE TWO BEARS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"CLOSE YOUR EYES"
From the musical "Holy Crap: The Worst Parts of the Bible"
Lyrics by Phoebe Kreutz
Music by Daniel Israel

After God destroys the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah,
only Lot and his two teenage daughters survive.
While Lot naps, his girls discuss their options.
NOTE: This, like everything in the show, is a real story from the Bible. 


ONE
GOD JUST INCINERATED EV'RYONE ON EARTH
AND, YES, I KNOW YOU FEEL A BIT BEREFT
BUT IT'S UP TO YOU AND ME
TO REFILL THE WORLD WITH PEOPLE
AND WE'LL USE THE ONLY MAN THAT WE'VE GOT LEFT

TWO
Wait. What? 

ONE
You heard me.

TWO
Him? 

ONE
It won't be so bad. Here's what you do:
CLOSE YOUR EYES

TWO
What?

ONE
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES

TWO
That's your strategy?

ONE
AND THINK OF DAD AS JUST A GUY LIKE OTHER GUYS

IMAGINE YOU'RE A FILLY BEING MATED TO
A STALLION THAT YOU'RE IN NO WAY RELATED TO

CLOSE YOUR EYES
CLOSE 'EM TIGHT

OR YOU'LL SEE SOME STUFF THAT'S GONNA KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT
THINK OF FLOWERS OPENING
THINK OF ALMOST ANYTHING
BUT PLEASE
CLOSE YOUR EYES

TWO
No. Absolutely not. There's got to be another option.

ONE
Look around! It was an apocalypse. There's no one else!

WE WERE SAVED
IT'S NOT OUR FAULT
THAT EVERYBODY'S DEAD AND MOM'S A BLOCK OF SALT
THE LORD HAS CLEARLY MADE A HIGHER PLAN FOR US

TWO
HE JUST FORGOT TO LEAVE AN EXTRA MAN FOR US

ONE
DAD'S A MAN
THEY'RE ALL THE SAME
AND AT LEAST THIS WAY YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR MAIDEN NAME

NINE MONTHS LATER YOU WILL SEE
KIDS AS CUTE AS YOU AND ME
TIL THEN
CLOSE YOUR EYES 

TWO
THIS THING THAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING
WELL, IT'S BASIC'LY MOLESTING
AND THAT'S SOMETHING YOU KNOW DAD WOULD NEVER DO

ONE
WELL, YOU KNOW WHEN DAD'S BEEN DRINKING
HOW HE DOES THINGS WITHOUT THINKING
NOW THE THING THAT HE'LL BE DOING, GIRL, IS YOU

SO I KNOW IT WON'T BE EASY

TWO
OH, MY GOD, I'M FEELING QUEASY

ONE
BUT IT'S UP TO US, OUR PRIVATE PARTS AND GLANDS

THERE'S NO TIME FOR BEING SNOOTY
WHEN WE'VE GOT A MORAL DUTY
AND THE FATE OF HUMANKIND IS IN OUR HANDS

TWO
IT'S IN OUR HANDS

ONE
That's right!

BOTH
THE FATE OF HUMANKIND IS IN OUR HANDS
SO WE WILL 

ONE
CLOSE OUR EYES

TWO(overlapping)
I'LL CLOSE MY EYES

ONE AND TWO
WE'LL CLOSE OUR EYES

ONE
THE LAST TWO EGGS ON EARTH ARE HIS TO FERTILIZE

TWO
I GUESS IT WOULD BE SELFISH NOT TO COPULATE

ONE
IT'S TIME TO PUT THE POP BACK IN REPOPULATE

CLOSE 'EM QUICK
AND KEEP 'EM SHUT

TWO
OR I'LL END UP FACE TO FACE WITH, GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

BOTH
AND AS GENERATIONS GROW
THEY WILL NEVER NEED TO KNOW
ABOUT OUR...COMPROMISE

TWO
I HAVE GOT TO PLAY MY PART
OPEN UP MY LEGS AND HEART

BOTH
BUT PLEASE CLOSE YOUR EYES


Third Award Recipient: LAURA KLEINBAUM - June 2017

Please visit her website www.laurakleinbaum.com


THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
From the musical #MARS
Book and Lyrics by Laura Kleinbaum
Music by Willem Oosthuysen

When 79-year-old Lenny is asked
why he wants to go to Mars, he sings.

LENNY
YOU’RE YOUNG
I’M SURE THE THOUGHT
HAS NEVER CROSSED YOUR MIND
THE WAY THE CYCLE OF OUR LIVES
HAS BEEN DESIGNED
WHEN YOU GET OLD, THAT LIFE
IS PRETTY MUCH CONFINED
TO THE BARKA LOUNGER WHERE YOU ARE
PERPETUALLY RECLINED
WATCHING RERUNS

A YELLOWED WEDDING ALBUM
SOME COLLECTED ART
HER JEWELRY, WHICH I HAVEN’T MOVED
MY PURPLE HEART
AN APARTMENT FULL OF RELICS OF THE PAST
AND AN OLD MAN BUMBLING THROUGH IT
THINKING, “SHIT, IT WENT SO FAST.”
AND THAT’S A DAY FOR ME

A PRILOSEC WITH BREAKFAST
THEN LISINOPRIL
AND THEN I READ THE TIMES
AND TAKE MY WATER PILL
THEN A NAP AND BABY ASPERIN WITH MY TEA
DO SUDOKO, TAKE MY FLOMAX,
CATCH THE YANKEES ON TV
AND THAT’S A DAY FOR ME

I USED TO USE MY PHD’S FOR PROVING THEOREMS
I USED TO LAUGH UNTIL THE SUNRISE WITH MY WIFE
I USED TO WAKE UP AND CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY
I USED TO LIVE MY LIFE!

TIME IS MY REMINDER
THAT IT’S ALL BEEN SAID AND DONE
I CLOSE MY EYES
AND PLAY THE RERUNS

A PRILOSEC WITH BREAKFAST
THEN LISCINOPRIL
AND THEN I READ THE TIMES
AND TAKE MY WATER PILL
‘TIL THE DAY THIS MISSION JUMPED RIGHT OFF THE PAGE
AND I WONDERED,
“IS IT POSSIBLE THEY’D TAKE SOMEONE MY AGE?”

I MIGHT BE PUSHING EIGHTY,
BUT I’VE GOT THE EXPERTISE--
THE ASTROPHYSICS
AND APPLIED MATHMATICS PHD’S
I CAN CALCULATE THE SPEED AT WHICH
A PARTICLE OF GAS
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH A SYSTEM
TOWARD A PLANETARY MASS
AND ALL OF THAT IS WASTED
WHILE I’M SITTING ON MY ASS

So I applied.

IT’S MUCH MORE THAN
SOME TRAINING AND COMPANIONSHIP
IT’S MUCH MORE THAN THE MISSION
OR A ONE-WAY TRIP
IT’S THE GIFT OF LIFE AND TIME
AND ONE MORE CHANCE
IT’S WAKING WITH A PURPOSE
AND THE NEED TO PUT ON PANTS
YES, EVERY SINGLE DAY
I’LL PUT ON PANTS
I’LL PUT ON PANTS

NOW THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
NOW THAT’S A DAY FOR ME
NOW THAT’S A LIFE

WITH NO TIME FOR WATCHING RERUNS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

GOTTA GO
From the musical #MARS
Book and Lyrics by Laura Kleinbaum
Music by Willem Oosthuysen

When 18-year-old Aimee Ashleigh is accepted on the reality show #MARS, she has reservations about leaving her mom—Pamela—has a different outlook.

PAMELA
I’M A LOSER THROUGH AND THROUGH
IT’S FINE—I’M NOT EMBARRASSED
KNOW WHO’S NOT A LOSER? YOU
BUT TRUST ME, THAT CAN CHANGE
YOU’RE YOUNG AND HOT AND THEN YOU’RE NOT
THINKING, “WOO, TIME FLEW.” 

(spoken)
Come here. Listen to Mommy. 

LEAVE! THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GOT
OR YOU’LL BE A LOSER TOO 

AIMEE ASHLEIGH
You’re not a loos— 

PAMELA
I RAISED YOU UP FROM MY TEENS
ON SPAM AND CAMPBELL'S PORK N' BEANS
IN THIS RUSTY DOUBLE-WIDE
YOU COULDN’T HAVE FANCY THINGS
LIKE FERRETS OR A YARD WITH SWINGS
THIS WAS ALL I COULD PROVIDE
BUT YOU HAVE MORE TO LEARN AND GIVE
YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS PLACE WE LIVE
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL, YOU GOTTA GO 

AIMEE
I can do good things here... 

PAMELA
YOU’RE FULL OF HOPE AND WHIP-SMART
YOU’RE SUNSHINE WITH A GREAT BIG HEART
THIS TOWN WILL BEAT THAT ALL TO SHIT
THERE’S NO ONE PAYING FOR SCHOOL
YOU GROW UP HERE AND FATE IS CRUEL
THAT’S YOUR LIFE, BABE-- THIS IS IT
IT’SHICKS IN PICK-UPS SHOOTIN’ SQUIRRELS
AND DANCIN’ DOWN AT LIVE, NUDE, GIRLS
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL, YOU GOTTA GO 

AIMEE
There are other places to go besides Mars. 

PAMELA
YOU CAN HOP A GREYHOUND
WITH YOUR SHIT STUFFED IN A SACK
BUT THIS TOWN IS LIKE A MONSTER
WHO'LL DRAG YOUR ASS RIGHT BACK
I'VE SEEN PEOPLE THINK THEY BUSTED OUT
AND BEAT THE BEAST. 
THEN THEY COME BACK TO SEE THEIR MOM
OR SELL THEIR GUNSOR GET RELEASED
FROM PRISON 

AIMEE ASHLEIGH
I KNOW. 

PAMELA
And nobody leaves twice. 

IF YOU TRY TO LEAVE LIKE THEM
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST STAY
OR LEAVE THE PLANET,ON A ROCKET, ON A TRIP
THAT ONLY GOES ONE WAY 

THE POINT I’M MAKING REMAINS
WHITE TRASH IS COURSING THROUGH YOUR VEINS
AND KIDS LIKE YOU DON'T CATCH A BREAK
BUT THERE’S A BREAK HERE—HELLO!
SO GRAB IT BY THE BALLS AND GO
THIS IS YOUR ONE SHOT TO TAKE
SO DON’T LOOK BACK--REACH FOR THE SKIES
THERE’S SO MUCH MORE THAN WAFFLE FRIES
MY SWEET BABY ANGEL 

I KNOW YOU AND
 WHAT’S RUNNIN’ THROUGH THAT HEAD—I SEE
YOU’RE CONTEMPLATING STAYING BACK HERE
JUST FOR ME
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD KNOW
AND MORE THAN I COULD SAY
SO I’LL BE CRYING IF YOU GO
BUT CRYING HARDER IF YOU STAY 

AIMEE ASHLEIGH
Are you sure?

PAMELA
I’m sure I want you to do anything
and everything that will make you happy. 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
Because I really want to do it,
but I feel like it’s just not for people like me. 

PAMELA
You deserve it if you want it. And you need to start thinking
that way, because I won’t be there to do it for you. 

They hug. While they’re hugging: 

AIMEE ASHLEIGH
OK

PAMELA
OK 

AIMEE ASHLIGH/PAMELA
OK

PAMELA
MY BABY GIRL’S GOIN’ TO SPACE 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
TEN LIGHTYEARS FROM POTATO PLACE 

PAMELA
 THE FUTURE’S NOW 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
AND IT’S  MINE!
HERE GOES--I’M TAKING MY SHOT 

PAMELA
I FRICKIN RAISED AN ASTRONAUT 

PAMELA/AIMEE ASHLEIGH
WHO’S NEVER CROSSED THE COUNTY LINE 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
THIS IS MY CALLING AND I’M SURE 

PAMELA
I’M MAKING SURE YOU’RE NICELY DRESSED 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
ON MARS I WON’T BE SUPER POOR 

PAMELA
I’LL PACK YOUR TUBE TOP AND JEAN VEST 

PAMELA/AIMEE
(simultaneous chatter) 

(PAMELA)This is amazing. I can’t wait to tell the girls at the salon. I’m gonna make t-shirts that say Aimee Ashleigh is my daughter. I’m gonna sell pins and hats and posters. People are going to be so proud of you. You’re representing this entire dump of a town. You’re a hero. You can bring my suitcase too. Ooh, I’m gonna do your hair before you go. 

(AIMEE)Oh my god, I have to quit my job! This is so much better than being a manager, not that I ever got that job, but this is better. What should I bring? Do you think the other people will be nice? Do you think they’re all from small towns? This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened. To me or to anyone I know! 

PAMELA/AIMEE AIMEE
GOODBYE MINNESOTA 

AIMEE ASHLIGH
I GOTTA GO


Second Award Recipient: MARY LIZ MCNAMARA - June 2016

Three of Mary's award-winning lyrics appear below.  And please visit her website www.marylizmcnamara.com


PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA
from
The Good Girl
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara

Terry, a middle-school math teacher, returns to her classroom after staying home a few weeks to care for her recently-widowed, and increasingly difficult, father.

TERRY:

Ok. We’ve got a lot to cover today people, so----

CLASS.  Does everyone have a sharpened pencil?
CLASS.  Everyone take out a clean piece of...
CLASS, Shhhh
EVERYONE NEEDS TO SIT DOWN
AND LISTEN TO ME
TAKE OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS AND
OPEN TO PAGE TWENTY-THREE
PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA

CLASS.  Shhh.
AS YOU KNOW, WE’LL BE HAVING
A TEST
Not a quiz
It’s a test
ON MONDAY, BUT BEFORE
WE BEGIN, I WANT ALL EYES TO BE
BE UP HERE ON ME

ALL EYES SHOULD BE UP HERE ON ME
I’M GOING TO COUNT UP TO THREE
ONE.  TWO.
Two and a half.  Veronica.
THREE

Good.  Problem one.

TWO TRAINS EACH LEAVE
FROM TOPEKA PRECISELY AT NINE,
BUT TRAIN A GOES AT DOUBLE THE SPEED.
IF THE SLOWER TRAIN – B –
GETS TO DALLAS AT NINE,
IS THE SPEED OF THE FASTER – WAYNE!
WHAT DO YOU NEED?

Didn’t you just go?  OK.  OK.  Remember what I said about too much information.

OKAY, WHO’S GOT THE HALL PASS?
SO, CLASS.
READ THE REST OF THE PROBLEM YOURSELVES.
DUANE, GIVE WAYNE THE HALL PASS.
THEN CHOOSE ANSWER A, B OR C.
OR NONE OF THE ABOVE, ANSWER D.
OR J, K, L, M, N, O, P.
JUST WRITE SOMETHING, VERONICA.

WHEN YOU’RE FINISHED I NEED
ALL YOUR EYES UP ON ME
CHILDREN, LOOK AT ME
WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH THE FIRST ONE
WE’LL DO PROBLEM TWO
THEN PROBLEM THREE
THEN PROBLEM FOUR
THEN TWELVE BILLION MORE
WELCOME TO LIFE
PROBLEMS GALORE
JUST LOOK AT ME

Good.  Next problem.

SOON-YI IS SIGNED UP FOR
SLEEP-AWAY CAMP BUT SHE’S
NERVOUS. HER CAMP IS A
LONG WAY AWAY FROM HER
MOTHER WHO BOUGHT HER A
CELLPHONE.  DETERMINE THE
COST OF THE CELL –
JOANIE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

What did she say?  Soon-Yi is not a dumb-ass.  Missing your mother does not make you a dumb-ass, believe me.  OK?  OK?

AND PLEASE DON’T SAY
DUMBASS IN CLASS.
OKAY, ASS.  I MEAN, CLASS.
SHIT.  NO, SHOOT.
I MEAN, PAY ATTENTION, CLASS.

THEN CHOOSE ANSWER A, B OR C.
OR NONE OF THE ABOVE, ANSWER D.
THEN ALL EYES SHOULD BE UP ON ME
PAY ATTENTION, VERONICA!!!!!!!!!!

THE GOOD GIRL
from
The Good Girl
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara

Evelyn, newly-dead but still kicking in the great beyond
(which happens to be a jazz club up there somewhere),
watches her middle-aged daughter muddle through life
without her.
 

EVELYN:

ALWAYS THE GOOD GIRL
FOREVER THE GOOD GIRL
SETTING THE TABLE, CLEARING THE DISHES
AND SAYING YOUR PRAYERS

NEVER COMPLAINING
PATIENT AND QUIET AND SWEET
ALWAYS THE GOOD GIRL

WHAT GOOD DID IT DO YOU?
BEING THE GOOD ONE
STAYING BEHIND
TO CLEAN UP THE MESS
AND SETTLE FOR LESS

WHAT GOOD IS IT NOW, DEAR?
SITTING AT NIGHT ALL ALONE
BEING THE GOOD GIRL

MOTHERS DO TERRIBLE THINGS
KISSING AND COOING
AND CLIPPING THE WINGS
OF THE ONE THEY LOVE BEST
KEEPING THAT ONE IN THE NEST
KEEPING THE GOOD ONE
THE GOOD GIRL

SWEETHEART, FORGIVE ME

HEAVEN IS BRIMMING
FILLED UP WITH GOOD GIRLS
AND EACH OF THE GOOD GIRLS IN HEAVEN
IS FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH REGRET

SPREAD YOUR WINGS NOW
AND FLY AWAY
DON’T WAIT ‘TIL YOU’RE READY
DON’T WAIT FOR THE RIGHT TIME
DON’T WAIT ‘TIL TOMORROW

TODAY
TODAY
TODAY


I CAN DO THAT
from
Body and Soul
Music and Lyrics by Mary Liz McNamara

Diana, a woman with Down syndrome, is the personal care assistant for her friend, Kathy, who has severe cerebral palsy.
They live together in a small home, and Diana is set to drive, on a snowy night, to the grocery store to shop for dinner.

I CAN DO THAT
NO PROBLEM
WEAR MY COAT AND MY NEW HAT
MY BLUE HAT
THAT’S MY NEW HAT
I COULD DO THAT
NO BIG DEAL
I CAN DO THAT
PIECE OF CAKE

HEY YOU WANNA CAKE
I CAN MAKE IT
‘CAUSE IT’S NOT SO HARD
TO MAKE IT
ALL YOU GOTTA DO
IS BAKE IT
I CAN DO THAT
NO BIG DEAL
I CAN DO THAT

OR I CAN MAKE A PIE!

THAT’S A LIE
I CAN’T DO THAT
IT’S TOO HARD
THAT CRUST
I CAN’T DO THAT

BUT I COULD BUY A PIE
I COULD DO THAT
THEY GOT LEMON, CHERRY
AND SOMETIMES EVEN BLUEBERRY

And I love that, Kathy, it’s so good!

IF YOU WANT A PIE
I COULD BUY A PIE
I COULD DO THAT

THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT, KATHY
THINKIN’
AND FIGURING STUFF OUT
AND I’M GOOD AT THAT
I’M PRETTY GOOD AT THAT

I’m not bragging, Kathy.  I’m just saying.  Kathy, I’m just saying.

THERE ARE THINGS YOU CAN’T DO
LIKE YOU CAN’T TAKE A BATH
THERE ARE THINGS I CAN’T DO
LIKE MATH

I CAN’T DO THAT
SUBTRACTING
NO WAY
I CAN’T DO THAT
BUT THAT’S OKAY

‘CAUSE YOU CAN DO THAT
YOU WENT TO COLLEGE
SO YOU CAN DO THAT
SEE
SO WE CAN DO THAT
YOU AND ME
WE CAN DO THAT

THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT
YOU’N’ME, FIGURING STUFF OUT
AND WE’RE GOOD AT THAT
WE’RE REALLY GOOD AT THAT

So, I’ve been thinking about DC.  Ok?  Would you just listen, for once?

YOU CAN FIGURE OUT THE TRAIN
HOW MUCH IT COSTS
THERE AND BACK
AND I CAN
PACK!
WE CAN DO THAT
YOU CAN ME
GO TO WASHINGTON DC
WE
YOU AND ME, KATHY
YOU AND ME
WE CAN DO THAT!


First Award Recipient: RAYMOND BOKHOUR - June 2015

Two of Ray's award-winning lyrics appear below.  And please visit his website www.raymondbokhour.com


THINGS WILL BE EASY
from
The Suicide: A Musical Comedy
Lyrics by Raymond Bokhour
Music by Simon Gray
Book by David Bridel

CAN YOU SEE HIM NOW
WHEN HE STUMBLES IN?
NO MORE FURROWED BROW
JUST HIS DOPEY GRIN
HE’LL BE GOOD AND TIRED
HE’LL BE UNINSPIRED
AND THANK GOD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY

HE’LL COME THROUGH THE DOOR
JUST LIKE PEOPLE DO
TUCKERED OUT AND SORE
GLAD THE DAY IS THROUGH
AND SO AWFULLY WEAK
THAT HE'LL HARDLY SPEAK
SAY GOODBYE TO THE TANTRUMS AND TEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY

HE’LL COME HOME
WITH A SMALL SACK OF GROCERIES
READ THE NEWS A BIT, CURSE THE RAIN
OH HOW DELICIOUSLY TEDIOUS
MEANINGLESS, MINDLESS, AND SANE

AFTER SUGAR TEA
AFTER RAISIN BREAD
HE WILL LOOK AT ME
AND SAY “TIME FOR BED”
AND WITHOUT A PEEP
WE’LL DRIFT OFF TO SLEEP
HOW SUBLIME WHEN THE WORLD DISAPPEARS
THINGS WILL BE EASY

IN THE EARLY HOURS
JUST BEFORE THE DAWN
WE’LL TAKE LUKEWARM SHOWERS
AND WE’LL SHARE A YAWN
I’ll SAY “TIME TO GO”
HE’LL SAY “YES I KNOW”
AND WE’LL FLY THROUGH THE DISHWATER DAY
THINGS WILL BE EASY

MAYBE NOW
WHEN I SLAVE AT THAT FACTORY
I CAN BREATHE A BIT, EVEN SMILE
OH DO I DARE BE MYSELF AGAIN
EVEN JUST ONCE IN A WHILE?

IT’S BEEN AWFULLY HARD
I’LL ADMIT IT NOW
WE WERE BADLY SCARRED
BUT CAME THROUGH SOMEHOW
AND I ONLY PRAY
THAT OUR LUCK WILL STAY
AND IF GOD LET’S ME HAVE IT MY WAY
THEN THE SKY WILL BE SLIGHTLY LESS GRAY
AND MY LOVE WILL COME HOME AND HE’LL SAY
“THINGS WILL BE EASY”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
from
The Suicide: A Musical Comedy
Lyrics by Raymond Bokhour
Music by Simon Gray
Book by David Bridel

IF YOU OFFER ME A DUMPLING
AND YOUR VOICE IS SOFT AND GENUINE AND SWEET
I’LL EAT

IF YOU BOIL ME SOME CABBAGE
AND YOU WHISPER “MON AMOUR, BON APPETIT”
I’LL EAT

IF THE GREASY OLD HORS D’OEUVRE
YOU OBSEQUIOUSLY SERVE
WERE AT LEAST A LITTLE GREASED
WITH THE RESPECT THAT I DESERVE
WATCH THE DUMPLING AND THE CABBAGE
AND THE SAUSAGE DISAPPEAR
I’LL EAT ANYTHING YOU GIVE ME
IF THE GIVING IS SINCERE

BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I WON’T EAT MY DINNER ON MY KNEES
I WOULD RATHER UP AND DIE
THAN SWALLOW ALL YOUR HUMBLE PIE

HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
NO ONE LIKES A CHIDING WITH THEIR CHEESE
LEAVE ME IF YOU WOULD
OR FEED ME LIKE YOU SHOULD
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE

GIVE ME HALF A DIRTY TURNIP
OR A LOUSY LITTLE ROTTEN CHICKEN WING
I’M KING

GIVE ME YESTERDAY’S PIEROGI
OR A TINY BIT OF RANCID CAVIAR
I’M CZAR

GIVE ME MILK THAT’S HALFWAY TURNED
GIVE ME PORRIDGE THAT YOU BURNED
BUT THEN TOP IT WITH A DROP
OF THE RESPECT THAT I HAVE EARNED
THEN I’LL GLADLY EAT THE CRAP
YOU TRY TO PASS OFF AS CUISINE
I’M THE MOST OBLIGING HUSBAND
THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I WON’T EAT MY DINNER ON MY KNEES
I REFUSE TO BOW AND SCRAPE
OR SUCK A SINGLE SOUR GRAPE

HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
DON’T YOU BE SO PISSY WITH THE PEAS
LEAVE ME IF YOU WOULD
OR FEED ME LIKE YOU SHOULD
BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE

PLEASE—-

REMEMBER HOW IT WAS, MASHA
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE MY BLUSHING BRIDE
A SIMPLE LITTLE MEAL, MASHA
SEATED ON THE ROOFTOP SIDE BY SIDE
YOUR EYES WERE SO OPEN AND WIDE
I CRIED, MASHA, I CRIED

BUT I WAS A WORKER OF THE WORLD BACK THEN
NOW I’M JUST A SUCKER OUT OF WORK
A LOSER ALONG FOR THE RIDE
NO WONDER YOUR FAITH IN ME DIED
NO WONDER THAT THE SERVICE HERE HAS STARTED TO SLIDE

YOU SAY “LOOK AT ME, I WORK UNTIL I DROP
BUT SEMYON GO AHEAD AND EAT. MY TREAT!”
YOU SAY “SEMYON, HERE’S A PORTERHOUSE
I PURCHASED WITH MY BLOOD,
IT’S ALL FOR YOU! HAVE TWO!”

AND THERE’S NOTHING QUITE AS RICH
AS YOUR CHICKEN A LA BITCH
AND I’M WARNING YOU ONE MORNING
YOU MAY FIND ME IN A DITCH
CAUSE I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
WITH ALL THE HINTS AND THE ASIDES
I WILL FINALLY TAKE MY VENGEANCE
ONCE THE NAUSEA SUBSIDES

BUT HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
CHOP IT UP AND FEED IT TO THE CAT
TRY TO SERVE IT IF YOU LIKE
BUT I’LL BE ON A HUNGER STRIKE

HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
I CAN STOMACH ANYTHING BUT THAT
THROW ME OUT FOR GOOD
I KIND OF WISH YOU WOULD
OR HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR
CAUSE I DON’T EVEN CARE
FRY ME IN A VAT
OF BOILING CHICKEN FAT
OR MAKE ME SPEND ANOTHER
MINUTE WITH YOUR MOTHER
THROW ME DOWN A WELL
I'M HAPPY AS A CLAM
CAST ME INTO HELL AND
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN

OR MAYBE I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF
AND PUT YOUR MIND AT EASE
BUT CARRY OUT MY DYING WISH
SPARE ME ALL THE LOAVES AND FISH
JUST HOLD THE PITY PUDDING
KEEP YOUR PRECIOUS PUDDING
HOLD YOUR SHITTY PITY PUDDING IF YOU PLEASE

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